You know how people ask you how you are doing and you answer, "fine!" but you really aren't?
Well, today didn't start off as one of those days... I was fine. I was probably more than fine. Church was great! The Message from Trevor was awesome! (All about Revolutionary Relationships... maybe that's where it all started to go downhill.) Leading worship for the 3rd-6th graders was so much fun! (I mean, who doesn't love having a reason to act like a child... on PURPOSE!) I came back to my place of abode and was all set to have a relaxing, lonley day of occasionally watching football and mostly watching HGTV, but that's when I came to the conclusion...
I'm not meant to be alone.
Here I thought all this time, being on my own will be great! It will be fun! I will love it! FALSE.
I'm not happy.
Not happy where I am living. This LOL (Little Old Lady) is more than I can handle... especially emotionally. She's not happy. She's needy. REALLY needy. And at first I thought I was being helpful, but now I wonder. Maybe I'm being more of a hinderence than anything else. The more I help, the more she thinks she can't do. Talk about the stress.
Not happy where I'm working. Don't get me wrong! Some of those little kiddos MELT.MY.HEART! I love them! The hugs! The kisses! I feel loved and adored! But I can't support myself on this. The management is not ideal. They do not make me feel appreciated. I do not wake up excited to go to work. And that is something everyone should have. Here's the problem... I don't know what I want to do.
Not happy where I am in my spiritual life. There is a lot I need to work on in this category. I mean this is something that I continually have to work on. Obviously! But I know I should be father along in my walk than I am.
Not happy where I am in life. You know what is hard? When your closest friends are in a different point in life, a point where you wish you were. Do NOT get me wrong! I am so happy for each and every one of them! But, I just wonder about myself. Why not me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? What is wrong with me? Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
Sometimes I feel as though I am failing. That I am not living up to my potential and that I am a dissapointment.
But I know God has a plan for me. And that all of this is in His plan. And that someday all of this hardship and all the trials I am going through will make sense. I just wish that sometimes I could get a sneak preview of that plan to let me know that one day I will be happy. That this will not last forever.
I can't sit around waiting for all of this to just change for me. I am comming to the realization that some, if not most, of this falls on me. I am responsible for changing my life.
Here's the thing... Change is hard. I don't like it. I'm not good at it. And when I'm comfortable at/in something I don't want to move.
Will someone give me a push? :)
p.s. This rant has helped a lot... that and watching The Holiday while I type all this out... ;)
